Many children are growing up with divorced parents. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, 43 percent of first marriages end in divorce within 15 years.
Dr. Linda Grossman, director of behavioral and developmental pediatrics at the University of Maryland Hospital for Children, says there are many conflicting studies on how divorce impacts children but says parents can take steps to have the best possible outcome.
"When a couple decides to get divorced, they should tell their children together. Parents need to explain that they are not divorcing the children but each other. They need to stress that this is not the children's fault," says Grossman. She says that is because children often take on a huge sense of responsibility.
Children can also have a sense of abandonment when, if following a divorce or a separation, a parent is not present. "When a parent disappears, children think they were not lovable enough. Parents should make a real effort to show-up at events, like school plays," says Grossman. She adds, "It is easy to become an 'Amusement Park Dad' or a 'McDonald's Mom.' Make sure you take part in normal, everyday activities."
Children of divorced parents often need to learn to juggle two households. Grossman says in this situation, it is best if the schedule is predictable. For instance, it is reassuring for a child to know that on Fridays he or she goes to Dad's house and on Sundays he or she returns to Mom's house.
"Two different households can have two different sets of rules," says Grossman, but again they need to be predictable and consistent. Children may need reminding about what the rules are in a certain house, but she says they can easily adjust to a different set of guidelines in each house.
"It's a good idea for children to have a sense of their own space in each household. That doesn't necessarily mean they need their own bedroom, but even a drawer in the house where they are part time is a good idea," says Grossman. It may also be a good idea for a child to have his or her own items at each house. That may mean having duplicates of favorite toys in each home.
Grossman says parents should never put their child in the middle of a divorce. She says parents should always take into account this question: What is in the best interest of my child? Children should never be used as spies or messengers. Parents should also realize that withholding child support only hurts your child in the end.
Even if both parents make a real effort to get along and be involved in a child's life, some children may react badly to divorce. In these circumstances occur, it may be best to get the advice of a pediatrician or seek counseling.
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